Purple: Part Twenty-Four

"How was it?" he enquired as they followed Neku's parents to the car.
"Odd." Neku admitted. "They asked me questions about whether I knew Shiki would call and why I didn't lock my bedroom door and stuff. But they said they'd help me find someone to talk to."
Joshua nodded. "That seems like a good idea."
By the time they'd discharged Neku and referred him to the crisis team, it was the late afternoon. He was said to have made a very good recovery, at least physically. Joshua watched his slightly shaky steps, an arm hovering, ready to reach out and help if he did fall, but cautious of making actual contact.

They were quiet on the drive back to Neku's house. Most of the things they really needed to talk about didn't seem appropriate with Mr. and Mrs. Sakuraba in the front seat. They hadn't spoken much about Neku's attempt, though they'd both cried and hugged him and expressed words of relief when they'd come at visiting time to find him up and talking with Joshua. They'd tried to act normally, possibly at the advice of the doctor, but they did reiterate their love for their son several times, as well as frantically thanking Joshua for being there with him.

When they got back to the younger teen's, he and Joshua headed to his room, both sitting awkwardly beside each other on the bed.
"So... do you want to... talk about... this..."
"...mmm..." Neku mumbled in what seemed semi-agreement.
"I..." Joshua began, words tumbling from his mouth without really having to think them. "I don't want to pressure you into telling me or ask you loads of questions... but I mean... it might be good... for you to talk about it and if so... I'm here to listen."
"...Y-yeh..." Neku agreed again, but still didn't elaborate.
"...The..." Joshua ventured, going for what he knew best. "I know it's more complex than one problem but... the stuff between you and me... I mean... did that... well... you know... have an impact...?"

Neku seemed to be considering how to answer, not so much out of giving a guarded response like normal, but more that he was actually thinking deeply about the situation. "Well... I know... deep down, that whatever I was feeling had something to do with recent events. And yet... at the time, that wasn't what I felt at all. I felt..." Neku closed his eyes, causing Joshua to grip at his arm tighter in fear of the boy recollecting too much. The azure eyes flicked back open, but they held a thoughtful look nonetheless. "I felt... empty... well not empty. More like... full to the brim with emptiness. But... that doesn't make sense..." he rubbed one eye gently. "It was just pain, hate, tingling through my every nerve- it tingled, like a cold shiver. Like... excitement in reverse."

Joshua nodded. He had to admit he'd felt the sting of depression before, but it was different to the way Neku felt it, so entirely. "Do you feel... that way... a lot...?" he ventured, still worried he was putting too much pressure on Neku too soon.
Neku chewed on his lip a while before speaking."Every now and again but... not for days on end... not that strongly... I've only felt exactly the same once before... there was..." he looked at Joshua with an almost guilty expression. "This isn't the first time I've... tried..."

Joshua looked at him wide-eyed "What... what are you saying, Neku?"
"I guess it wasn't enough last time. I just... woke up the next morning. The feeling was... gone and I was still here." He shook his head. "That's why it had to be... more this time. M-more pills." He actually looked a little shaky thinking about it, and Joshua instinctively put an arm around him, both horrified at the thought and yet feeling all the more attached to his beloved, wishing there was more he could do.

"Thanks. I'm... it's ok." Neku touched the arm wrapped around his shoulders to signal that Josh could let go.
Josh obliged in releasing his grip, scooting back again so that they were a little way apart, but he didn't let up in terms of his attitude.
"No." He said. "It's not ok. It's not ok, Neku."
"I..." Neku stuttered, surprised at the forceful tone. "What?"

"Listen, Neku." Joshua ventured, staring down at his own hands, almost willing to keep them there when all he wanted was to hold Neku, not out of any selfish desire but to try and feel like he was in some way protecting him from himself. "I want you to be happy. I want to understand it all because I don't want you to ever feel like that again. I will do anything for you to be alright. But you need to start opening up to me. To talk about what you really feel, even if that's not always the brightest topic of conversation. So please... while you're still feeling that you want to be here as well."

Neku seemed to be taking this in then nodded. "I'll try. I... don't even know myself what I'm feeling some of the time but... I honestly will try."
"Thank you." Joshua said quietly. "And even if all this is stuff that I can't do anything about except listen to... we both know there's stuff between us that we need to talk about. Even if... Even if it's not right now."
Neku said nothing, but his eyes were on him, looking long and hard, as if picking up the detail of his face unnervingly. The gaze was intense to the point it was hard to look back. But then, the chance to gaze into the pain-filled but still beautiful  azure was so rare that it kept their eyes locked firmly together.

"Joshua." Neku addressed, finally flicking his eyes away to break the reciprocal stare. "I... I think I may be in love with you."